


Regrets

by craterdweller



Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Epistolary, F/M, Post-Stargate: Continuum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26903152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/craterdweller/pseuds/craterdweller
Summary: Jack receives a letter from a future Sam Carter. He decides to act on it.
Relationships: Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill
Comments: 9
Kudos: 76
Collections: Trope Bingo: Round Fifteen





	Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how to tag this one. Set about a month after the end of season 8. Jack is in Washington and Sam is already at Area 51. He receives a letter and decides to act on it.
> 
> References the events of the Stargate Continuum movie.
> 
> Trope Bingo Round 15: Epistolary

General Jack O’Neill grimaced as the young woman staffing the concierge desk, Tammy or Tawni, flagged him down as he crossed the lobby. It was late, and all he wanted to do was get out of his dress blues and put on the hockey game he’d recorded earlier.Plastering on a smile, he approached the faux wooden desk. _I miss my house in Colorado even more than I miss driving_ _my truck._

 _“_ You work too hard, General. It’s after midnight. Or maybe you’ve been on a 'hot date?’” She flipped her red hair off her shoulder. _Was she flirting with him? She couldn’t be a day over twenty-two._

His tired brain conjured up an image of his surrogate daughter Cassie, causing him to send the girl a withering glance.

“Uh, sorry, Sir. That was out of line,” she apologized as she handed him his mail.

Jack waved it off. “No, I’m sorry. Long day. Good night, Miss Jones.”

The young woman smiled back at him before returning her attention to her cell phone.

_I so need to find a new place. Somewhere that I can set up my telescope and drive myself to work. Going to have me some words with the President. Remind him of my list._

He jabbed the elevator button for the top floor and flipped through his mail. Amongst the usual adverts and credit card offers was a letter-sized envelope with a Seattle law firm listed as the return address. _That’s odd_.Although he hadn’t spoken to her in years, Sarah still lived in Colorado. Cassie was at university, and he’d talked with her just this morning. _What the hell would some law firm in Seattle want with him?_

Deciding the hockey game would wait, he changed out of his dress blues and slit open the envelope. A short note from the attorney’s office stated they had been asked to mail this on behalf of a client on the specified date. _What?_ Inside was a plain envelope addressed merely to “Jack.” He raised an eyebrow as he recognized the handwriting. _Carter?_ Popping the cap on a bottle of Guinness, he began to read.

* * *

> Jack,
> 
> Writing this letter is way bigger than stepping on a hypothetical bug. Still, I find myself not caring if I destroy the timeline. Surprised? Four months ago, I watched you die. I sit here at my kitchen table, alone, on what should have been your birthday, filled with regrets. Jack, there were so many things I wish I would have said to you, so many missed opportunities. And now you are gone. **smudged ink** I am trapped in an alternate timeline, separated from Daniel and Cam, and surrounded by strangers who are familiar yet not. The Hayes and Landry of this timeline would rather bury their heads in the sand than let us correct whatever Ba’al did to screw up the past. If we find the gate, I can send Daniel and Cam back home like when we were stuck in 1969. Don’t worry, I am not going to “technobabble.” But there are some things I want you to know; stuff that I wish I would have said when I had the chance.
> 
> First of all, I love you. I have for years. I lied to myself early on, convinced that what I felt was hero worship combined with a strong physical attraction. Maybe it started that way, but when you were stranded on Edora, Janet noticed how much I missed you. Being the good little soldier, I denied that it was a problem, and she let it drop. I was angry that you had given up on us, and if I’m honest, I was jealous of Lara. The rift caused by the undercover op to catch Maybourne was precisely what I needed to regain perspective. Jack, I know you didn’t hurt me on purpose. There was no way you could have known how I felt, and I know you didn’t see me the same way. I enjoyed the teasing and the banter and convinced myself it wasn’t a problem because we were just good friends.
> 
> Which brings me to the second thing. I hated saying no to your invitations to go fishing. Some of it was me worrying about how everyone else would see it. Besides, soldier Sam always followed the rules. Another part of me was scared. Terrified, I wouldn’t be able to hide how I really felt about you. I enjoyed the mutual flirting, but I wasn’t sure if it just was harmless fun for you. I was afraid of losing the closeness that we had. I was a coward. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize until much later how my rejections must have looked to you. I always wanted to say yes.
> 
> I could fill notebooks with sorries for all the times I regretted leaving things in the damned room. Now, I understand that as my CO, you had no other choice but to acquiesce. Anything else, and I could have brought charges. Not that you did anything to jeopardize my career. Not once. It never occurred to me that you believed your feelings were not reciprocated. I thought the entire program knew how crazy I was about you. Whenever you were missing or in danger, people walked on eggshells around me. And Kinsey certainly wasn’t silent with his accusations. Then when we both pulled away, I doubted that there could be an “us” or that you were still interested in me.
> 
> Enter the disaster that was Pete.
> 
> Staring at all the crumpled pages littering my floor, I still can’t find the words to apologize. In my head, I know you are telling me I have nothing to apologize for, and that all you ever wanted was for me to be happy. But I won’t accept that. I can’t because I’ve had these last four months to live with the memories of all of my mistakes. Every time I see a commercial for a diamond ring, my mind conjures up the hurt I saw in your eyes when I showed you the one from Pete. So brief, anyone else might have missed it. But to my shame, I ignored it. I convinced myself that if you still felt anything for me, that you would tell me not to marry him. Deep down, I knew I was unfair; that I was hurting you. It certainly would explain why I was embarrassed any time Pete was mentioned. Sorry doesn’t begin to cover it, but I still can’t find the words. So, I’m sorry, Jack.
> 
> Which brings me to my first trip to your cabin. I was such an idiot. You were a man of few words, Jack O’Neill, but for the first time, I allowed myself to appreciate all the little things that showed me how you felt. I’ve never felt so cherished, so loved, as I did the week SG-1 spent together in Minnesota. It was magical.
> 
> But then we were both reassigned, and I retreated. You gave me space because I had just lost Dad, but my insecurities brought back all the old doubts and a whole set of new ones. _How can he forgive me for Pete? Did we wait too long? What if it doesn’t work?_ I knew you were waiting for some sign from me, but I was too scared to take that first step. I let two years slip by with only the occasional email and the even rarer team night when you happened to be in town. Without realizing it, I had locked things back in that room.
> 
> I never told you, but I cried when I was given command of Atlantis. Soldier Sam was pleased as punch to be chosen for such an important post. But the rest of me was heartbroken. No longer were you a short plane flight away. Did you know I kept the picture Teal’c took of the two of us fishing at the cabin on the credenza in my office? I held onto some hope that there was still a chance for us. Although furious that I was relieved of my command, I can’t say I was sorry to be coming home. Another year lost, but maybe there was still a chance for us. My plan was to drag you off after Ba’al’s extraction ceremony and have my way with you, in a supply cabinet if necessary, but preferably up to the cabin where I could tell you all the things in this letter and beg you for another chance.
> 
> That is when my world ended. Ba’al somehow futzed with the timeline, and our friends and allies started to disappear. You rushed towards him, unknown to any of us that he had broken free of his restraints. It happened so fast, the needle jabbed into your heart. You died before I could even whisper that I loved you, your last words, an order for us to get to the gate. I wasn’t going to leave you, but Cam dragged Daniel and me through and into this alternate version of Earth. More like hell. This Earth never found the gate, and you never joined the program. This Jack O’Neill was still in the Special Forces, still married to Sarah. Both lost to me.
> 
> Here I sit, writing a letter to the love of my life, who in my timeline is dead but in this timeline thinks I am a “nut job.” I have no idea if this letter will reach either of you or some other Jack in yet another timeline. Each day here is emptier than the last. I muddle through because Cam and Daniel need me to get them home, but I have no hope left for myself, only regrets. Sorries are all I have.
> 
> Love, Sam.

* * *

Jack closed his eyes and took a second to process the letter he had now read three times. He had hoped that Sam might still want to take a chance at a relationship, but he wanted to give her time. The decision was hers, always. But it had only been a month since they’d all been at his cabin. He tried to wrap his head around the fact that Future Sam had sent a letter. She was adamant about not messing with timelines. _So why now?_

Future Sam was obviously hurting, and Jack couldn’t sit by and do nothing. Even if “his” Sam didn’t feel the same way, a little awkwardness was worth it. Picking up his cell, he arranged a flight out of Andrews and dashed off an email to his secretary. He packed a duffle while waiting for his driver.

“Sorry, Jed. I could have taken a cab.”

“No, sir. It is no trouble.”

Jack checked his watch as he settled into the back seat. _For crying’ out loud, what are you doing, O’Neill? Carter is going to murder you._ He debated asking Jed to turn around and take him back home. Jack could call Daniel, bounce this crazy notion off of him. Then he remembered how despondent Future Sam had sounded. _Maybe Carter would kill him quickly._

* * *

He knocked on the southwestern style front door, leaning in to catch a bit of shade from the house’s wall. He heard Sam’s familiar footsteps as she approached. Her hair was mussed when she opened the front door, and her eyes looked a little bleary. _Uh, maybe I should have called …_

She snapped to attention as soon as it registered who was on her porch. “Sir! Is something wrong? Cassie? Daniel?”

Jack’s eyes widened as he realized what she must think. He laid a hand on her arm, “They’re fine, Carter. Everyone’s fine.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, her brow furrowed. “Uh, Sir, what are you doing here?”

“Jack.”

Sam just blinked, waiting for him to explain.

He released a frustrated breath, “Look, Sam, can I come in? It is hotter then Netu out here.” For a moment, he thought she was going to refuse. _What if she had a guest? Oh, boy. You’ve stepped in it now, O’Neill. Maybe he could still leave with a shred of his dignity._ “Uh, sorry. I uh…” He started to backpedal, but Sam caught his arm before he was off the porch.

“Where are you going?”

“Sorry, I should have called. I didn’t mean to interrupt if you have company.”

“What?” Sam looked at him like he had grown another head. “No one else is here. Cassie is spending the week with Janet’s sister. I’m sorry, Sir, it’s early. Please come inside, and I’ll get some coffee started.” She grabbed his duffle and went back in, leaving Jack to follow.

He pulled out Future Sam’s letter and set it on the coffee table, taking a seat on the sofa.

“What’s that?” Sam asked as she handed him his coffee.

Jack took a deep breath and waited until she looked up from her drink. He pointed to the letter. “That came in yesterday’s mail. Read it.”

Sam raised an eyebrow but complied.

Jack watched as her emotions played across her face. She set the letter down carefully but refused to look at him.

“Sam.”

She shook her head and hurried off into the other room.

_Way to go, O’Neill. You’ve made another Carter cry._

When she returned a few moments later, she sat on the chair opposite the sofa, putting a deliberate distance between them. Hands balled into tight fists, she finally met his gaze with tear-filled eyes. “I’m sorry, Sir. I don’t know … I didn’t …how?” She stared at her feet.

Jack squatted down in front of her, ignoring the loud cracking of his knees. He placed his hand over hers until she looked up, “C’mere.”

He held her, rubbing circles on her back until she started to pull away. “Sam, if you want me to destroy this letter and pretend like it never happened, I will. But, if you think you might want …” Jack lost the words, suddenly nervous that he was going to destroy everything. He ran a hand through his hair. “The choice is yours, Sam, always. I hope you know that I would never jeopardize your career or …”

“Shh, Jack.” She placed a finger over his lips. “I know.” She rose and moved to the sofa, patting the cushion next to her. “Your knees.”

He shrugged but joined her on the couch. “Did I screw this up?”

“What? No. Why would you say that?”

“The timeline. I mean, I couldn’t help but read it the first time because I didn’t know what it was, but all I could think about was that you’d be furious if I futzed up the timeline. You wouldn’t let me watch the Cubs win the World Series.”

Sam ducked her head, but Jack caught her trying to smother a laugh. “And you will never let me forget it.” She reached out and stroked the sleeve of his t-shirt. “I’m glad you showed this to me. I mean, I can’t believe any version of me would do something so reckless, but thank you. It means a lot to me that you would trust me.”

“Always.”

“I’d like that, Jack.”

Jack spun to her in surprise. “Really? What about the regs?”

Sam pulled him close, her lips just touching his, “Relatively speaking, you’re not in my direct chain of command.”

She kissed him.


End file.
